Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*