Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Sending in my taxes
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The Sun
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now