Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Holy shit he’s back
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
So sorry
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.