Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
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Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.