me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.