Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood

“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”

-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.