me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy