Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot