Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You Might Also Like
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.