Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
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My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
all bases covered
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity