Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?


“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England


[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]


EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.


Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.


The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”


This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.