@squirrel74wkgn

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

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@michelleDbelle

Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.

6yo: (raises hand)

Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)

6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?

@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

@GrantTanaka

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

@dave_cactus

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

@TheMichaelRock

Nobody pays attention like the person behind the first car at a red light.

@squirrel74wkgn

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

@Sickayduh

This girl won’t stop crying because I told her that selfie filters wear off in 6 months.