Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
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“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Hero horse inspires millions
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too