Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.