Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
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INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Happy Febuary everyone!
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.