Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.