Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space

Goat cheese is for herders.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

[at the mechanic]

me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..

mechanic: that’s the horn

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!