Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Old old old old old west
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!