Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”

this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?