Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.