Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist

Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

I unironically love this joke.

Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.