Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Good morning
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
saying “no worries either way” when i am actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.