Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later