Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2022: I can fix it

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.

Writing, She Murdered.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.

If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great