Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.

Everybody okay?

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?

me measuring the ceiling: no idea.