Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.

I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.

It’s your fault.

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…

*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*

Unimpressed

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Pizza is an emotion right?

My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!

2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

Frog purse.