Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
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The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed