Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen

My kids: NOOOOO!!!

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

nobody: …

my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift

men’s fashion peaked in 1838