Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

If you love someone, let them tweet.

Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

*leans forward*

*leans back*

*leans forward*

*leans back*

Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?

Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!

Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit