Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.

A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?

ME: wow, what a time saver.

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir

Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?

Wildebeest: 4,000

Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Software Development ⛵️

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

How it started: How it’s going:

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing