ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Care for your back
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
From Facebook just now…
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.