ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
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Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Why am I like this?
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.