Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is

Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

who did the taste test?

1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

we all know this pain all too well

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.