Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

Me: How was school?

9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.

Me: Was it fun?

9: No. They stopped the bus first.

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”