me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
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6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
channeling her this year
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Finally! 😈
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.