Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

At the International League of Assassins

Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

[fire]

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.

We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve

I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly

This headline is a thing of beauty

We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”

What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”

The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…