Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Better luck next time champ

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!

Mississippi: *crying*

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

Ape together strong

A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.