Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
That’s amazing.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
my dad has had enough
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.