Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo

I saw some guy got arrested when he tried to steal two salamis by sticking them in his pants. I bet if he had only stolen one, he might have gotten away with it.

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret