Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

Breaking news:

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

At a job interview:

“What are your strengths?”

“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”

“Give me an example”

“When do I start?”

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie