Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..

all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*

Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.

ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

I try

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

[Controversial and unpopular statement]

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.

wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”