Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?

Me: why?

Her: who vacuums their bed?

Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression

If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”

“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.

4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.

Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.

4: Want to trade?

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

Tonight’s parenting lesson:

If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.

I need a shower.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it