Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
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[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Only short people can save us
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling