Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?

Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …

Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?

GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.