Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)