Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
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*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Basketball
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes