Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!

8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

I’m aging like a fine banana

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

My husband, on the phone to social security administration to report that they still have not recorded his mother’s death (more than a year ago) and are still sending ss checks–

–SS phone lady says: so are you reporting your own death?

–Hubs says: ….No… I’m alive.

😬

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!

Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*

cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.