Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
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How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me: