Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?

[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

you stereotypes are all alike

#oldknees

My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me