Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

“Your call is important to us”

[67 minutes later]

“Your call is important to us”

[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.

I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?

Me: Dad.

7: Then how come you look older?

Me: Santa’s not real.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.