Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?

Me: No, why do you ask?

The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

Reviews of Hogwarts

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky