Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
You Might Also Like
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.