Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
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Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”