Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!

People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again

“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

much to think about

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits