Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
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So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.