Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.

lot going on here, legally speaking.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

middle school in the ’90s

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it