[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
You Might Also Like
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Care for your back
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.