Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
me irl
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me