Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My age is news to me every single time I remember
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that