Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Him: do you believe in miracles?

Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?

Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—

Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

Some people come into your life for a reason.

Like for target practice.

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

Free him

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, we share it, right?

Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I use the tempura karate technique. For when you only want to lightly batter your opponent.

Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday