Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?

Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

Note to self: always read the final line

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.