Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
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3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
apparently this year was written by stephen king
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
the three branches of government
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.