ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
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Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.