Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.

PLEASE READ

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.