Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
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Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?