Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*courtroom*

judge: I hear you want a new lawyer

me: yes I do

judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario

me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

This line from Airplane.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?

Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…

Friend: So, do you workout?

Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?

Friend: No

Me: Yeah, neither have I.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now