Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
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My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?