Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
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I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
How it started How it’s going
