Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

*gets into canoe*

Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!

*gets out of canoe*

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason