Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
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Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.