Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
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*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs