Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.

VS

Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.