Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
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They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??