Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”

Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”

Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”

So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

how was your vacation

the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?

Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?

Me: Probably not.

Friend: PROBABLY?

Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.

All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?