me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
When you don’t understand how floors work
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
oh u like geography? name every lake
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
We don’t deserve birds.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot